self-belief or nothing?

I used to be confident when I was in secondary school. I mean I would not be scared to do something that I want it to become real. The self-belief I got at that time is a process I practiced and improved day by day. It is really not easy at all. I had to face and conquer my fear of crowd, being wrong, being laughed and so on. After these days, I usually image how strong I was, and I am so proud of myself on account of my unbelievable ability.

Nevertheless, when attending high school, I realized that my self-belief was not right as I put it over the limit. I did not respect others who I thought they were not amazing (oh fuck me), or even I hated the crowd and I wanted to be different. Luckily, some of my soulmates and something happening in my life changed my attitude and view. From now on, I am more respectful to people surrounding me, although they are wonderful or not.

And nevertheless (again),

I am now inferior. I do not have any thought that I am better than anyone. I feel lose in every war like I am a loser. Maybe I am not good at anything that I believed I was. I am afraid every time I want to do something competitive although I love experiencing it. I do not know why I become a kind of not-confident person which I used to hate. Possibly I pull my confidence down but accidentally, it seems to transform from over-self-belief to inferiority.

I do not let people know my feelings. I am afraid of that they might not appreciate myself compared to the past. I just improve my situation by reading books everyday to find out my strength and make it come back. I try to escape from drowning myself in negative thoughts and feelings that I am not good. I do not know if it is effective or not. However, that is all I can do in this meantime.

Hope I can come back to be a strong girl in a near future.